I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
