No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
