I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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