just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize