thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
