I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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