im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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