she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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