My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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