it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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