Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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