Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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