you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
