remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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