Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I party with great urgency now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize