I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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