my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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