take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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