My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
