OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
