dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
