What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
