Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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