My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
