I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The air taste purple.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
