So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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