just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
