how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
