Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I had to cum in my sink.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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