I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
