I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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