Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Everclear isn't food dammit
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
