What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
