Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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