btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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