So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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