shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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