I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
