a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
