I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
