there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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