just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize