the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
