I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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