i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
