clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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