I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
