Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
