We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
