I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
