i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
