First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize