walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
