and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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